Stronger than you seem...

Sound familiar?

I found this quote about a year or so ago, as a dear friend of mine was going through a tough time in her life on so many levels.  As tough as that time was, she tackled new challenges, surprised herself at her successes, and kept moving forward.

I don't recall being a Winnie the Pooh fan when I was younger, but there is something about A.A. Milne's writing that speaks across generations and ages.

I was told once that conceiving a pregnancy is the ultimate lesson in letting go and letting God (which is not a term I use.  Actually, I think right here is the first I've used it).  As I confided with a college friend and his wife about my fears very early in my pregnancy, his wife admitted that her pregnancy was the ultimate challenge as a type-A person.  No shit.

Losing a pregnancy, no matter how early, tops that by 1,000.  And the fact that physically I can't do any of my comfort activities (biking, swimming, or *gasp* shopping) during this process means I have no choice but to sit here and just think about it.  And that. fucking. sucks.

While 30-40% of pregnancies often don't make it out of the first trimester, the fact that I had a great exam the day before just made this worse.  Now I've burned up my sick time for this year, and knowing that nursing staffing is already tight just stresses me out more.  I'm going back to work tomorrow, and I dread it more than I dreaded my deployment to Iraq.  

I don't feel brave, I don't feel strong, and I feel dumb as a brick because I don't know what to do next.  Which I guess at this very moment, is a good thing, because there isn't anything I CAN do.

Other people will forget and move on.  And that's okay.  But I will likely, after this is all said and done, keep out of my social circle for a while because it's not fair to them that I can't, and I'm not ready, to move on.

10 weeks and 4 days...

Sadly, it wasn't meant to be.


After a positive visit with my OB, all appeared to be well, and I was scheduled for an ultrasound in a few days as part of my First Trimester screening. However, later that day I was experiencing some complications (bleeding and cramping). I went in for an emergency ultrasound the next morning, and the sonographer could not detect a heartbeat.


This early, there is no explanation other than the planets, and chromosomes, did not align perfectly.


My doc was also sad, knowing that we had been trying to conceive for a year.  She assured me that her exam revealed nothing that would predict this.  She gave me her private office number to call in the afternoon to let her know I was progressing.  And she also called me the next morning to check on me, and schedule another exam.


Devastated is barely the word appropriate here.  I did *everything* right, I thought.  And I wonder if age is going to make this a hard fought and never won battle.   I curtailed my workouts. For nothing.  My life and the Army afforded me little time to have a marriage, let alone have children.  And I often fear it's too late.


So, all we can do is wait a few months, per my doc's recommendations.  And try again.


Which we will...

Week 9 - a badly needed run, and a lost waistline

The last week was full-on laziness.  I'm still working night shift - which in and of itself isn't a big deal.  But the fatigue is like having Mono!  So, my agenda for my first full day off (today!) was to go for a run, no matter how long it took.  I went to Fleet Feet for their Happy Hour Friday run.  I met up with Duane and Nancy (Nancy ran through her pregnancies, so I know I'd have a sympathetic ear), and it was so nice of Kate (who is way faster!) to schlep at our pace!  Duane and Nancy told me about Nancy's cravings (Arby's, which sounded REALLY good mid-run!), and really kept the pace conversational - which I needed because when left to my own devices, I'd overdo it.  3.26 miles in about 35 minutes...it was warm, so I was happy with it!

I am looking forward to the weekend - the Shoreline Multisport Festival is in Hamlin.  I had been training quite hard for the duathlon since May (training hard enough that I'm actually surprised I GOT pregnant, with the brick workouts and 2-a-days), so I'm a bit sad to not compete (not because of anything my doctor said, but because we had a pretty intense heat wave for about 3 weeks, in which I did not run!)  Sure, I've run races unprepared PLENTY of times.  But a lot more is at stake - so I figured it would be better to be safe than sorry.  And to perhaps pencil this race in NEXT year for my comeback race (maybe with a new triathlon bike?!)

Getting ready to go for a run!

Hopefully, one day, I'll get my waist back!

Weight Gain?  I fluctuate all week long, but I'm still under 135.

Cravings?  Jalapenos, and ice cream.  Thankfully not together

Stretch Marks?  No.  But I ordered some cream called "Mother's Friend" to make sure I don't get any tiger stripes in the future.

Sickness/nausea? Still only when I'm really hungry.  And I'm always thirsty!

Sex?  Knowing that is still about 11 weeks away.

Biggest Change?  I lost my waist, officially.  It would be nice, though, too look pregnant to explain that!

Maternity clothes?  Nope, still fitting into my normal stuff.

Sleep?  Not great.  I think last night I woke up a dozen times.

What is Daddy doing?  Still blowing stuff up at Army training.

What I miss the most? I would do about anything for a taste of Rohrbach's Scotch Ale!  Like, to the point of just sticking my tongue in a glass of it to tide me over.  Oh, and sushi!

Movement?  Nope

What I look forward to?  My OB/GYN appointment on the 30th!