Stronger than you seem...

Sound familiar?

I found this quote about a year or so ago, as a dear friend of mine was going through a tough time in her life on so many levels.  As tough as that time was, she tackled new challenges, surprised herself at her successes, and kept moving forward.

I don't recall being a Winnie the Pooh fan when I was younger, but there is something about A.A. Milne's writing that speaks across generations and ages.

I was told once that conceiving a pregnancy is the ultimate lesson in letting go and letting God (which is not a term I use.  Actually, I think right here is the first I've used it).  As I confided with a college friend and his wife about my fears very early in my pregnancy, his wife admitted that her pregnancy was the ultimate challenge as a type-A person.  No shit.

Losing a pregnancy, no matter how early, tops that by 1,000.  And the fact that physically I can't do any of my comfort activities (biking, swimming, or *gasp* shopping) during this process means I have no choice but to sit here and just think about it.  And that. fucking. sucks.

While 30-40% of pregnancies often don't make it out of the first trimester, the fact that I had a great exam the day before just made this worse.  Now I've burned up my sick time for this year, and knowing that nursing staffing is already tight just stresses me out more.  I'm going back to work tomorrow, and I dread it more than I dreaded my deployment to Iraq.  

I don't feel brave, I don't feel strong, and I feel dumb as a brick because I don't know what to do next.  Which I guess at this very moment, is a good thing, because there isn't anything I CAN do.

Other people will forget and move on.  And that's okay.  But I will likely, after this is all said and done, keep out of my social circle for a while because it's not fair to them that I can't, and I'm not ready, to move on.